What Do You Do When Coping Skills Don’t Work: Time-In Versus Time Out

You know all the things. You have tried all the things: the removing of demands, the taking breaks, the deep breathing, the physical exercise. All the coping skills are not working. Your child is still dysregulating. Everybody needs a break from the behavior. What do you do? Some would suggest a consequence such as a time-out. For adopted or fostered children, however, this may further exacerbate the problem. What might work better is a time-in.

Foster care and adoption bring with them many hard things. Children are separated from their primary caregivers. For good reason or not, this separation is a wound, a trauma that makes them more sensitive to attachment disruptions (Creating a Family, 2017). They live with the “anxiety of wondering if [they will] again be rejected” (Verrier, n.d.). Sending a child is a separation that can remind children of this wound. For this reason, it can further dysregulate a child, making him or her more anxious, and even less able to comply with use of coping skills, or really anything else for that matter.

So why time-in versus time out? Time-in reminds a child that the connection with the caregiver or parent is still strong (Gerich, 2020). It allows the caregiver or parent to soothe and calm the child (Siegel & Bryson, 2014). Time-in allows a caregiver or parent to model coping skills (Gerich; Huj, 2017). Time-in can grow attachment.

What does it look like to have a time-in? It means staying with the child. A toddler might want a bear hug to help calm down (Shaw, 2015). An older child might simply need someone to sit with them while he or she processes (Siegel & Bryson, 2014). Adult presence can help children feel safe, and safety promotes regulation (Parent Map, 2012). Five or ten minutes of quality time before a true melt-down might even be a way to preemptively head off a time when coping skills will no longer work (Shaw). Time-in is all about connection and about maintaining it so that a child can know his or her inherent worth, co-regulate, and hopefully eventually, self-regulate.

Are time-outs all bad? The verdict is out. For kids who have already experienced attachment loss, however, the recommendation is for time-in. Especially when coping skills are not working, connecting is more likely to have positive benefits, for both parent and child.